


god, make it painless

by ScarletKiss



Series: can you hear me? [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Blood and Gore, Body Image, Depression, Discussions of Murder, Discussions of Suicide, Discussions of sexuality, Explicit Language, Gen, Gender Identity, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Insecurity, Mental Health Issues, Nonbinary Character, Paedophilia, Underage sexting, Violence, its not as bad as it sounds i promise, pls read notes for tw warning
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-14 15:02:40
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,044
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28797318
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ScarletKiss/pseuds/ScarletKiss
Summary: Hyunjin is screaming and nobody seems to hear him. He claws and claws at the cage he has trapped himself in and is unsure if he will ever get out. He wants to breathe.or Hyunjin is born into an average family that makes less than average money. Yet, he can't help but feel trapped and like something's wrong, He'll shake the feeling he has to because nothings wrong he's being overdramatic.Hyunjin is screaming silently and nobody hears him not even himself.
Series: can you hear me? [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2111349
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	god, make it painless

**Author's Note:**

> -Hyunjin is nonbinary and uses he/him pronouns (he was afab) and his family is unaware they think he's a girl. He will be referred by his family as female and he will occasionally refer to himself as female.  
> -The story will have dark themes running through it, it won’t be too graphic.  
> \- the trigger warnings in the tags will be themes that appear most likely heavily in every chapter  
> -the pedophila tag comes from the fact that Hyunjin is a minor that grown men despite knowing his age are engaging in sexual activities (sexting)

Hyunjin is fifteen when he learns that if he takes off his clothes for random men on the internet he can breathe. Hyunjin spends every day in the house staring at these four walls, know matter where he goes he can’t escape the crushing feeling that fills his bones. He doesn’t go outside very often only when his father comes to visit once or twice a week or when he helps his mother unload groceries from the car. 

It's not like his family keeps him trapped in doors, but he’s not entirely sure if his mother would let him sit outside by himself. He’s her “baby” and the neighborhood is rough around the edges. He doesn't open up about the feeling of suffocation or the desperate craving he gets for outside, he wonders if his brothers notice the way he loiters when he steps outside the way he slows down as he approaches the door. 

  
  


Men are pigs. 

Hyunjin learned that lesson on the internet after having them hit him up for nudes despite his age, telling him that age is just a number or simply ignoring it. He wonders if he should care that grown men are jacking off to photos of his naked body. There is a sense of boredom that follows every time he sexts a man, maybe it's the fact that it does nothing for him. 

He learns pretty quickly that most men have daddy kinks, and only seem to understand their own pleasure. They have this twisted view on women’s pleasure, they seem to think that they are nothing but robots that will get off to pleasing them. 

He hates the word daddy. 

  
  


Hyunjin remembers with clarity one particular conversation with a man he had had, the man had been thirty and pressuring for nudes. Hyunjin doesn’t know why but his frustration and anger at men and life had just exploded and he snapped at the man, called him a pedophile and cussed him out needless to say he was blocked. 

  
  


Hyunjin wonders what had become off all his lost nudes and will they come back to haunt him?

That's a question for another time, he thinks to himself as he locks his phone, letting his hand fall back down onto the rumpled bedspread. “Oii,” the room door burst open as Hyunjin’s older brother Jinyoung pokes his head in. “Dinners done so get your ass down stairs.” Hyunjin stared blankly at him; they never really ate dinner as a family that often. 

Jinyoung turns flouncing down the hallway without a care in the world. 

Hyunjin groans rolling out of his bed and falling onto the floor with a loud and rather pronounced thump. He sighed pulling himself off the floor and shuffled out of the room and down the narrow hallway eyes carefully diverted so he wouldn't catch sight of himself in one of the family photos. 

Hyunjin shuffled into the small dining room ignoring everyone else in the room. The conversation is non existent, Minho is still buried on his phone and Mother hasn’t sat down yet. The silence is stifling, sending itches down his spine. The creak of the wooden chair and the scraping sound it makes as it drags across the tile floor is enough to alert Hyunjin that his mother has seated herself; he doesn’t need to raise his eyes from his plate. 

“Let's say grace,” Jinyoung said, taking charge with an ease that is all too natural for Hyunjin’s taste. “I’ll say it.” Everybody nods, Minho just places his phone down by his plate. 

Hyunjin clasps his hands bowing his head, and squeezes his eyes shut trying his best to shut out the thoughts that begin to race through his head. 

“Dear lord,” Jinyoung begins.

_ Don't think, don't think. Just repeat what Jinyoung says. _

“Please bless this food to our bodies.”

_ Please bless this food to our bodies _

“Thank you for the food before us”

_ Thank you for the food before us. _

“And thank you for letting us all gather here safe from harm,”

_ Thank you for letting us all gather here safe from harm  _

“In Jesus’s name I pray, amen.”

Hyunjin raised his head, feeling exhausted. Minho snorts while shooting Jinyoung a look. Hyunjin sighs softly, and picks up his fork to pick at the slimy chicken on his plate. Its tastes like shit, the chicken is disgustingly fat and coated with barbecue sauce in a lazy attempt to season it. Hyunjin isn’t sure if he prefers this to the eggs he’s always eating. 

“So mom, how was work?” Jinyoung looks up from his plate to gaze at their mother. She sighed, raising her wine glass to take a large sip, “Work was work.”

Fucking disgusting, Hyunjin thought viciously , Choke on your fucking booze. 

“Hyunjin how was your day?” Jinyoung’s voice brings him out of his thoughts, everyone’s eyes are on him and he hates it, it makes his skin crawl. 

“It was good.”

_ “It was shit. I felt like I was suffocating, four walls closing in on me that I couldn’t escape from.” _

“Yeah, what did you do?”

_ Are you fucking stupid? The same thing i do day in and day fucking out, today was a little different I showed someone my naked boobs and saw a penis.  _

“I read and stuff.”

She’s fucking shitfaced, Hyunjin can tell from the way she sits slumping at the table, she only cooks like this when she’s drunk. He hates her drunkenness with a passion he himself cannot understand. She could be so much worse, she never drinks at work, she doesn’t show withdrawal symptoms. Is she an alcoholic? She drinks a lot and during the day. 

Hyunjin can feel the anger bubbling beneath his skin as he stares at her in all of her booze filled euphoric glee. Hyunjin is filled with so much hate that he can’t seem to understand all of it. He hates the parts of his mother that he can’t reconcile like her inability to care, or her drinking. 

“You're unusually quiet today, what's up?” Jinyoung’s sharp gaze focuses itself onto him.

Hyunjin forces a wry smile onto his face “I’m just tired.”

_ I’m so full of rage and emptiness yet I can't seem to understand what I am feeling.  _

**Author's Note:**

> let me know what ya'll thought
> 
> my twitter  
> my cc 


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